Cinco de Mayo 2010, one of those days that stands out in my memory. I had signed up to receive daily messages from “the Universe” via email. Just fun little daily affirmations. That morning I had received my first one. It said, “Never compromise a dream. Always compromise how it will come true.”
I had started contemplating becoming a mother on my own shortly after I turned 30. Initially I had looked at adoption. But since I hadn’t quite given up on finding Mr. Right I put it off until December of 2009 when I guess you could say my biological clock started ticking so loud I couldn’t hear anything else.
By May of 2010 I was still just thinking about it. I had started talking about it a little bit with friends; putting the idea out there to see what kind of response I got.
May 5, 2010 wasn’t all that unusual of a day. It was of course Cinco de Mayo. I got my message from the Universe that morning. I spent part of the day riding at Carvin’s Cove. Met my friend Rob and some of his coworkers for margaritas at El Toreo on the way home. Went home, showered, changed and then met him and other friends down at Table 50 for more Cinco de Mayo fun. Then the lightweights went home and Beth, Dave and I went back to the Waterheater where we fried fish and drank bourbon until the wee hours of the morning.
Maybe it was the combination of the Universe’s message and alcohol, or just the courage that good friends give you, but for whatever reason I woke up the next day and decided I was going to do. I called my doctor, made an appointment and got the ball rolling on what would be my journey toward motherhood.
Three days later I started blogging at “It’s Definitely Possible.” Anonymously at first, but then later I became more open and invited friends and family to also follow along.
Initially the blog was a way to record my thoughts and document my journey. It eventually turned into a way to connect with other women who were on similar journeys. In the early days of trying to get pregnant, being pregnant and then adapting to living as a Single Mom by Choice the blog was my lifeline.
Fifty people read my first post there. It peaked at over a thousand readers a day, which was somewhat intimidating and one of the reasons I eventually shut it down.
Sometimes I miss that blog. I haven’t found my grove here. I know that’s partially because I’m more reserved with what I say here. The relationships I developed with other bloggers have moved into other spaces, so the confessions and intimate details get shared in safer places. I link this space to Facebook, so now when I write I have to run through the impact and consequences my words will have on my real life relationships. Venting is kept at a minimum. And lets face it, venting is the best type of blogging. Conflict makes for good content. Day to day life is kind of boring.
So I’ve been a slacker when it comes to blogging. After Oberon died, I was reminded that there were other reasons I blog, it’s not just about venting my frustrations, and I vowed to do better in 2017. Yeah… that hasn’t gone so well. I’ve actually written more than I’ve publish. Often I’ll start writing, and then decided there really isn’t any reason for anyone to read it other than myself and someday Annelise, so I’ll save it in draft mode and never publish. It feels somewhat arrogant to think anyone would care what I have to say, especially since I’m not particularly elegant with my words. But I still find myself visiting my blog list and hoping my blogger friends will post something new. While some of them are excellent writers, most are like myself just average people sharing their experiences. And so I’m going to try to do better, because maybe there is someone out there who still connects with what I have to say. Unfortunately, writing about parenting and going back to school aren’t as exciting as writing about trying to knock myself up.
Today while I was looking back through the posts on “It’s Definitely Possible”, I actually found one titled “Cinco de Mayo.” It was May 5, 2011, a year after I started the blog and my attempt to become a mother.
Cinco de Mayo 2011. I went out with friends. Two of them were pregnant. I had made it known that I was trying, so there were conversations about that. I was about a week into my third and final cycle. I was having horrible side effects from the Clomid and had already decided that I wan’t going to use it again in subsequent cycles. I was also injecting myself with Bravelle without telling my doctor. Not a the full dosage, just what I had left over from the previous cycle when I did injectibles. I knew that if this cycle failed it would be months before I could try again. Within a week after Cinco de Mayo I was pregnant.
Cinco de Mayo 2012. Annelise was a baby. I left her alone on the floor for a couple of minutes while I let the dogs out and come back to find that she had rolled over for the first time and I had missed it.
Cinco de Mayo 2017. I worked the night before. Slept all day while Annelise watched cartoons and colored and then went back to work.
Wow, my life has become boring.